Dyad Echos

Apologies Jennifer, I did not intend to make you feel unwelcome. You are most welcome to query my perceptions, and I'm sorry that I did not query yours. I've not felt good with that thread as it feels like I'm an oppositional voice in the mix out of reactivity. In that specific thread there's a complex getting triggered for me which relates to fears of ideology and narrative (first hand experience in the world of blockchains and startups).

I chose to express what I was feeling in relation to the post and what it brought up for me, and by expressing these sensations openly I'm allowing myself free expression. I must grant these rights to myself so that I may be able to grant them to others (such as yourself). I'd therefore encourage you to do the same an express whatever comes up for you in the related context (e.g. the thread, here, ect). If I signal a desire to leave such as in the other thread, its just an honest signal, you may feel/do whatever you please with that knowledge.

What I would like is to know that even if I make a mistake or something I say generates unpleasant experiences for others, that is expected here. I would like to know that my presence and contribution is valued. Then I would feel welcome.

Yes! You are welcome here, please embrace yourself and make plenty of mistakes. The generative paradox that becomes apparent for me is at this point is that we're working on becoming comfortable in the uncomfortable (authentic self expression). Becoming expressive of these discomforts are to me a key part of what should be informing the design work we are doing.

Your suggestion that my words were judgemental is absolutely correct. Apologies though, I was not judging you, but expressing a strong response to some of the words and rhetoric being invoked (in accordance with my values). Sorry it felt directed at you personally.

not sure it would be welcome to ask Josh about why associating feminine energy with the moon and lunar rituals is identity politics in his mind, but I do have that question.

Please ask any questions you like. The topic is not particularly alive for me and explaining why is far more than I wish to articulate. I apologise for opening the door. In an attempt to close it back up I'll just say that I consider twoness as a number of polarity, complementarity and tension. When embedded in discussions and narratives, drama seems to be a characteristic that tends to emerge.

I can see that posting the reflection of the conversation brought this to your attention. However, I wonder if would be better to leave it up to the people having the conversation whether they want to reflect to the crew that the conversation took place.

I agree, there's no imperative to do anything here. Sharing back is a beneficial pattern worth discussing and practising in my opinion. I've not shared the last discussion I had with Ronen (and neither has he) back here yet but It's still on my nice-things-to-do-for-the-space list. I just haven't had the capacity; it's actually why I logged into Loomio but this thread felt more important.

I felt there was hesitancy in seeking direct funding for the digital space because what I see being pursued first is jobs and other work for the crew.

For me any hesitancy is the desire to move slow and plant things. Jobs are an instrumental means to put bread on the table, they come with a sense of environmental imperative that I wish to keep out of our crew space. In my view we have a duty to take care of our own well being as primary. If the crew can provide for participants in the present tense, and the experience is better than a job, then the motivational imperative to take care of oneself with a job wouldn't exist. Our present state of affairs suggests we have work to do but how can anyone do anything if they feel incomplete in some way? In other words I see work here as having much more potential than any short term gig, but taking much longer and running in parallel (at least until the actuality of being supported by a self-sustaining vehicle arises).

Thank you everyone who replied. I appreciate all that has been written and will digest it. Right now Robert and I are at the airport waiting to take a flight to Iceland. 🙂 Any further response here will probably be a few days from now. I am just grateful for the space and all that has been said. Thank you.

Also, Toni, I hope you feel better.

Oh, thank you so much, I do feel better. Drugs are our friends. Now drinking a lot of water to spell the rock in a hopefully gentle way.

After a few days of thinking about this thread and all the replies, I find there are a few things I'd like to write.

Dyad echoes: I thought it was expected to post about dyads because what I remember is that during the last gathering Ronen said he was happy people were having dyads but he wasn't happy that there was no record of what happened. My memory could be inaccurate, as memories tend to be. But that's what I recorded in my mind. After that, there were posts here about one to one meetings within the crew. I assumed those posts were expected. I'm more comfortable knowing it's up to me and the other person if we want to write an echo of a meeting.

Funding: I didn't think there was anything wrong with focusing on meeting material needs first. I wanted to understand that more fully. Now I have a clearer picture. I have no desire to initiate seeking of funding, at least right now.

I want to be able to work peacefully without having to worry about the roof over my head. I want to experience abundance instead of being told fantastical stories about it. I want this for everyone who is currently a crew member and everyone who will join this effort in the future.

I want this for you and everyone else here and everyone who will join this effort, too.

Values: I'm grateful for Alex's insights when we met. One thing he said that has returned to me over and over: that while ideologies may differ here, we share values. I think that is a key point and I needed it to be said to me. We aren't going to change anything from our perspectives or our ideologies. We can only change things by living from new values, by choosing our values and embodying them.

I'm grateful for the responses from Ronen, Toni and Josh, and I feel we do share crucial values, including authentic self-expression. Thank you.

Regarding funding, I think that it makes no sense to talk about money in general and funding of the space in particular if we do not talk about concrete scenarios. I also want the crew to be aware that saying "anyone" means that we will let people self-filtering to our phantasy of the space being open to "anyone".

Another approach would be to select a funding model and then see what scenarios fit that funding model. 

Also, you and Robert imagine some concrete scenarios. Maybe you could have a double rol here as crew members and seed funders (and yes, I know you brought that generous offer in a different and unconditional light, but I can refine and expand my rationale here).   

Another way of reducing possible scenarios is to understand how many members of the crew would like to make the space a relevant source of personal income (and doing what). 

Regarding values, I have stressed many times that we do not even need shared values, but coherent values (and objectives), and we do have that. 

Big hug, and enjoy your trip!  

@Alex Rodriguez and I had a good two hours long talk in Spanish to make sense together of the wholeness and the 4th cycle after the gathering with Sergio. I wrote three pages in Spanish from my notes to capture the main ideas we talked, and sent to Alex. He will process that into a post at the Sergio's gathering thread.

@Alex Rodriguez reached out to me after the heated interaction with @Jennifer Damashek and he and I had an hour-long dyad. It was a good conversation. Good questions came up, that led to clarified framings and to a notion of potential next steps. I would like to try to recall and share some of these here.

When Jennifer posted her message I tried something new (for me). In addition to not responding (which is not new), I reached out to Alex and Josh to share my anger and frustration. 48 hours later I felt I was able to point clearly to the things that angered me and then wrote my reply.

One particularly resonant question Alex asked me was if I felt I was compassionate in my reply and this brought a lot to the surface:

1. I perceived (and continue to perceive) Jennifer's comment as a source of aggression/violence/attack (masked in politeness).

2. I made a choice that was both unconscious and conscious. The unconscious element originated in my general state-of-being but I was conscious of this being in play. The conscious element was a decision to not just absorb the blow (a familiar pattern) but to turn it around and respond to it. I don't like returning aggression in any situation and usually prefer to make an effort to absorb it (and have been blamed for avoiding conflict and bottling my emotions). This choice, I believe, was informed by my general state-of-being.

3. I feel I made an Aikido-like move where I harnessed the attacking energy that Jennifer brought into the space and turned it against her. I want to say here that I do NOT feel that anger/rage is good energy-material. In my mind, where we are now is what that looks like.

4. Though the aggression is more apparent in my comment than in Jennifer's comment. I believe that is because I chose to be open about it. I believe that Jennifer's comment politely masks aggression. I believe that politely masked aggression is more dangerous than directly and honestly expressed aggression. I recognize that these preferences are likely deep cultural inheritances both in Jennifer and myself.

5. I waited 48 hours for the rage to subside and then responded as I did. Alex said he felt there was a passive-aggressive tone in the last part of my message. I clarified that my intention was to be openly aggressive and to take down what I considered (and still consider) to be a bad ideological movement. I was aiming to defeat an opponent (in this case ideas manifesting through Jennifer) but without causing injuring my opponent. Still, I am aware that getting spun around and pinned down (the image that came to my mind when Alex asked if I was compassionate) can be rattling if, especially if you are not expecting it.

6. I did not enjoy writing that comment, I put much effort into it and I did not feel safe posting it.

7. I acknowledge that my response embodies a critical value-choice: I was (still am) prioritizing a sense of truth and wholeness over Jennifer's personal well-being (or sense of safety). I suspect that a shared reading of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance would shed light on this critical choice.

8. This is not a choice I make lightly. I have made this choice many times in my life and I feel like I have paid for it dearly. I continue to make this choice because I believe it is correct.

9. This is a personal living pain point because I believe it also plays a role in my deteriorated relationship with Iulia.

All this brought me to the following conclusions:

1. I do not know how to get past this point.

2. I do not feel that Jennifer and I can do this on our own.

3. I am hoping that others in the crew can step in and tend to this, as Alex has started to.

4. I will not be able to creatively explore money if every time we go near it Jennifer will get triggered. I find it to be exhausting and demotivating.

5. And, as Alex pointed out, we will not be able to move forward together until we are able to gracefully move through such conflicts in this (emotionally depleted?) remote/asynchronous written environment.

6. Figuring this out feels like a priority and a critical effort.

7. I will show up to whatever arises and put in the effort to work through this and make the space safe (I do not feel entitled to safety, I feel responsible for generating and tending to it).

8. I believe this will require synchronous gatherings ... but I leave that to whoever takes action on this front.

9. I will not be responding in written format to further comments that were or will be made (including your's @Robert Damashek so please don't think I am ignoring you) on the subject until ... I feel it is safe to do so.